Dearest Sweet Sandy,
I am lost without you here. Everything has changed. My world has stopped, but I see other people still going. I wonder how/why. I continue to get flooded with the amazing support system you have put in place for me and the children. It is all very overwhelming, but much needed. I think in a round about way you set it all up on purpose so we would not be totally alone, I believe that you tried to prepare us for you to be in Heaven and not in pain any more. I thank you for all you have done. I have grown just by knowing you and being in your presence over the past seven years. I cannot believe I only got to be with you for seven years, I feel cheated out of great times. The dreams we had of growing old and sitting outside watching our grandchildren. Things happen every day and I see you there with us, I hear your voice. You are with us I know it. I have all the subtle reminders every day. Today 12-6 is your birthday. You always loved your birthday time/ week/month everything about it. I never got the chance to do much for you or wow you like I always wanted to. I really thought this was going to be the year. I still think the children are going to have the amazing Christmas you wanted them to have thanks to the support system you have put in place for us. I know you are in Heaven and celebrating your awesome life with family and friends that have made it there with you. I just feel numb baby. Payton got sick tonight and said he had a headache, so I gave him some tylenol and he wanted me to law down with him. He fell asleep shortly after we laid down it was precious. Later on he said his head still hurt and he went to the restroom and got sick with a fever and all. It was a time I really needed you. He needed you. You always had a way of comforting both of our children that I can never replace and I could see the hurt in his eyes that you were not here. He is such a strong little boy and I felt the love that you have put on him while I was cuddling with him. He has been resting since I got him to fall asleep again so you do not have to worry. I know you will help us through these times from above. Grace has troubles every day and night and screams out for her mama. She misses you more than anything she wants to feel you again. People say that time heals all. Time......... I do not know how much time........We will continue to fight and persevere through the good times and the bad just like we did with you here. Things always seemed to find a way to work out for us one way or another. I'm going to get some help with our finances so I can get out of this debt and not make the same decision that we did in the past baby. I want the kids to not have to hear me talk about it any more and have good lives. We still have your benefit account and your parents also set up an account for our sweet children for their education. We are well looked after and have you as a precious precious angel looking out as well. Thank you for everything you have done and will continue to do for us. Your service to celebrate your life was beautiful. The songs, the eulogy, the message, the precession, I could not have asked for it to be any better. I LOVE YOU and ALWAYS WILL. I will continue to exclaim this. I have not made a decision yet whether to keep posting on your blog, or to branch off and do one of my own and try to keep your message going of positivity through anything life throws at us or stop it all together. Only time will tell what I can handle. Today is going to be very difficult, but I do not want you to worry. I want you to celebrate your life and your birthday with the angels just like you would with us. I want to wish you a happy birthday babygirl.
(sorry if it does not make sense or there are errors, i cannot reread what i wrote and edit it at this time but wanted to go ahead and publish for Sandy to see)